The cards of life

My best friend, to my knowledge, has gotten into Harvard, USC, and Vanderbilt. When you hear someone attended Harvard, you instantly hold respect for that person. Both getting in and graduating require extraordinary amounts of intelligence and work ethic. Everyone is aware of that. Its like a gold star on your head that lasts forever. She get’s the star and I don’t. It’s not fair. One thing that gets to me about this world is that at birth you are handed the cards you will be playing the rest of you’re life, some people are dealt shit cards, and are forced to drive the city bus, barely making enough to pay the rent. Other’s are born for greatness, they will live successful lives, and easily get positions of power. There are people who could easily use a better attention span, or a wealthier family, but what you want means nothing in this world. A sad but true fact of life. I was born with a bad attention span. The disorder that this is classified as has become so trite, I refuse to spell it out. It is, however very limiting. I will never have what it takes to earn the gold star on my head because I can’t work through a task without getting distracted by arbitrary tangents several times. I will never be able to be as engaged in a conversation as I would like to me because other thoughts slow the intake. There are lists and lists of things I would like to do if I could just get through the first item. Certain things are hard for me but are easy for many other people. 

There are many facts like these we just have to accept. Fortunately, prowess is not a universal measure of satisfaction. Prowess is very limited, very few people can be on top and if being on top was, most of the world would live sad lives. Yes, everyone is dealt their cards, but life isn’t a card came. The difference is that once he cards are dealt, there are no longer any rules. No one wins and no one loses; all you can do is decide wether or not you are satisfied with what you accomplished when the game ends.

Doing things

I think I have an aversion to doing things. I want to have things done. But my problem is doing what I want to be done. Again, I am ambitious, I want to do many things, and the chores I make my duties out to be might actually be extremely enjoyable. I go through a cycle of emotions every day, at about one in the morning, I get passionate about what I want to accomplish and psyched about all the things I am going to do when I wake up. But come morning, I get lazy and distracted by little stupid things that might be fun, but help me get to where I want to.

I have some hypotheses on the origin of these problems. Maybe my brain creates too many  negative connotations for the things that I have to do. Like I said, many of the things I procrastinate over could be enjoyable. Something about those things discourage me from accomplishing them. I think the first step is to stop scolding myself for not doing what I intended to do. After all, I did “choose” not to do it. All it really does is make me feel slightly less guilty about my lack of accomplishment, and it is probably a reason for the procrastination.

I also need to change my take on plans. I definitely have a subconscious aversion to them. I feel it would be better to just float about in the wind, but successful people don’t do that. Currently, all they do is take away guilt. I need to find a way to let them guide my day, but still let me enjoy it.

It’s time to face the music. I don’t enjoy doing anything anyone tells me to do. That includes me. I can either fix it, or accomodate it. Actually, I think the best option is a compromise. Food for thought. Resolution comes later.

Ugh, work.

I recently realized that I have a really strange laziness to ambitiousness ratio. I am an extremely ambitious person, I already have decided my lifetime goal. An executive of a respectable software company. I constantly go over things I want to accomplish and do. I want to make movies learn software, do random shenanigans. I constantly have something I want to accomplish.

The problem with have so many dreams is they require a lot of work. I seem to have more trouble with that than most people, and everyday I wonder why. In essence, work and play are exactly the same thing. The only difference is the connotation of the word. Work is hard grueling labor we do because we “have” to. Because it is “required” of us. And play is what we do when we don’t feel like working. Recently I have spent a lot of time “working” for fun. I look up code tutorials and try to learn them for fun. Just like I would try to learn soccer for fun, but also like learning physics for work.

Have you ever met a person who has no problem doing what is important for them to do. They have to do homework. No problem, they just do it. People say that they are just hard workers, and the people who procrastinate with homework are lazy. I don’t like those terms because they are so scolding.

I say work ethic genetic. Just like sports come easier to some people than others, so does sitting down for an hour and working your ass off. Just like there are factors that make people inclined to play sports, such as strong legs and natural endurance, there are factors that incline people to be hard workers. I believe I suffer a from the burden of being extremely distractible. I might start working on a math assignment, and then get distracted by my thoughts on working and post it to my blog. Most of the things I set out to do that aren’t necessarily fun, end up in me giving up and resorting to something else.

But I really did try to work. I sat down with the intention of finishing my homework, with full awareness of the consequences it would have on my future and tried to do it. But somewhere in that timeframe, I forgot. I tell myself that if I do want to succeed, I will need to get over this and start being able to crank out my homework in an hour, but maybe this is no different than telling myself I need to start being inclined to sports.